#53 (aka: "Mooshed")

I got in a car accident yesterday afternoon. Really, it was just a fender-bender, and the guy who hit my car made a much bigger deal out of it than he should have. Very little was damaged on his car (all superficial stuff, like one of his front lights being a little *mooshed up and his bumper being a little scratched). To me, this damage seems small compared to mine: I now cannot open up my door all the way, and I have quite a bit of damage done to the underside of my driver's side door.

I'm okay, so don't worry about that. Just thought I'd let you all know.




* - "mooshed" is Annie's word

#52 (aka: New Blog!!!)

I've created a new blog for a project I'm taking on, which is about what it means to be a man in the 21st century, and in the American society, both in general and in separate communities within the society.

The link is http://this-century-boy.blogspot.com and it's called, well, This Century Boy (but the projet is called Son of Man). It only has one entry right now, but it's one I could use some help thinking about. So, when you have time, please stop by!

#51 (aka: Boy needs hugs. (Yes, it's an emo post, but it's what I mean when I say "My bio brother's an ignorant ass".))

*I wrote this last night and posted it elsewhere when my bio. brother was being more intolerable and mean than he had been in a long time.*

My bio. brother's being an asshole not just to me now, but to others, as well. He's being utterly disrespectful and cruel to me, and he's being a serious annoyance and general pain in the ass to the rest of my family.
Last week he called me a fag, and blamed it on the fact that when he gets angry or frustrated, he can't control himself. I think that deserves a little attention from a therapist, don't you?
When he calls me those names and says derogatory things to me, though... you all know that it goes much deeper than just being angry or frustrated. And it really hurts to be called those things, even if you say you're immune or jaded to it.

I'll never be jaded to it.

Boy needs hugs.

#50 (aka: I've Been Simpsonized!!!)

This took a little too much time and it was way too mindnumbing and I felt so... mainstream *shivers*...... but it was still kind of cool.
Resultage:

#49 (aka: The healing game)

It's amazing how well my bio. brother and I are getting along this week. For a long time, we have fought almost daily. This week, we've hardly had a scuffle at all. Tonight, we played darts. We had fun. Lots of fun. We got along, and it felt like he was starting to accept me -- if not as a transguy, or as his brother, then maybe as his friend. I hope so.

#48 (aka: "Thriller". 'Nuff said.)

I know, Michael Jackson's scary now. But, "Thriller" is still awesome.

#47 (aka: Big steps for Mom)

I'm so proud of my mom.

Last weekend, we were at Borders, and she was looking for this specific book on trans people (True Selves by Mildred L. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley). Turns out, they didn't have it (big surprise -- they had a queer section the size of a pinhead). But, she ended up ordering it.

Well, Borders called earlier this week to tell her the book had come in. And tonight we went out for dinner (mmmm, manicotti) and then to Borders, where we picked up the book and then drove back home. During the ride back, I read the Prelude, the Introduction and part of Chapter 1 to her, and she seemed really interested. It's very well written, as far as I can tell. Kudos to Brown and Rounsley. ;)

My mother has consistently been the more understanding parent. Her interest in further learning about what I'm going through with the purpose to show her support and love for me makes me think that things are going to be okay between us.

#46 (aka: Ahh, Georgia, how I miss thee)

Here are the pictures from my Georgia trip, which I mentioned but didn't have the camera to download them from back in my possession until a couple of days ago. Enjoy!


The tarmac at the Bradley International Airport in Hartford (I was bored before my flight, thank you very much)


My transbrother N and his girlfriend T's cat, Ilah (aka The Most Beautiful Georgia Doodle Ever)


The (mwhahaha!) Evil Grasshopper me and N found outside of our brother K's house


N and T's kiddie pool (yes, I took pictures of everything)


Me and K, all painted and ready to go to the drag show the night before I flew back home


And, last but most certainly not least, me, K, A and the fabulous MJD

#45 (aka: I'm back!)

Eeeek, sorry it's been so long, guys! A lot of stuff has happened since I last posted, as you could probably guess. Here is a consolodated list:

- I passed all of my exams with flying colors, and I graduated high school.

- I went to Georgia to see my friends there -- I stayed with them for a week and had the best time. They're awesome people, and I'll post pictures of the trip soon.

- I wrote a new piece, which is going to be the basis for my workshop at True Colors next year (that is, if the workshop is chosen).

- I took my placement tests and signed up for classes at college.

- I'm currently in driving school.

And.... that's really about it. Apart from that I have discovered the most amazing rock band to fall madly in love with. They are called The Cliks, and they're based in Toronto and just released their first album, Snakehouse back in April. They also just performed on Cyndi Lauper's True Colors tour (which was not affiliated with the True Colors youth organization, but basically had the same intentions). The most awesome thing about this band, besides their incredible talent, is that the lead singer, Lucas Silveira, is a transguy. Below is a picture of them:


I've missed you all. I hope you're well.





Love,

Elliot

#44 (aka: Good stuff)

There very well may be more ranting later tonight, but for now, here is some good news:

- The Greater Boston PFLAG Pride and Passion Party last Saturday went really well. It was a lot of fun, getting to meet the four other Elsie Frank scholarship winners and Pam Garramone (the executive director of GBPFLAG), as well as being in the presence of Congressman Barney Frank (Elsie's son, it turns out!). What was weird about it was that all these people knew who I was long before I even learned their names. Strangestrangestrange, 'cause I didn't even have to submit a photo with the scholarship application!

- Tomorrow is Mass. Youth Pride 2007. I'm going with a friend on the planning committee for the Pride, so I get to see all the behind-the-scenes action that I wouldn't have gotten to view otherwise. There are a couple of great (apparently Queer) Boston (and surrounding area) bands coming to play, and Amanda Palmer from the awesome self-proclaimed "Brechtian punk cabaret" band The Dresden Dolls is being awarded by students from her high school (she is actually from Massachusetts) at the Pride. She's awesome. Hopefully, since she gets to be backstage, and I get to be backstage (because of the scholarship announcement), I'll get to meet her. And while I'm not /really/ a fan-boi, it would kind of be an honor to meet her since I respect her so much.

Anyway, I hope y'all are well.

#43 (aka: On the map)

Well, this is just wonderful. :D

A GLBT newspaper out of Boston, Bay Windows, wrote an article about a couple of the winners of the Elsie Frank scholarship. It just came out today online, and will also be in their current print issue. Here it is for all to see here:

"PFLAG event to honor safe schools activists"

As a senior this year at Pioneer Valley Regional School in Northfield, Elliot Holloway began coming out publicly as a transgender man, but he found that his school had few supportive spaces or resources for LGBT students. He, along with other students, decided to create one on their own and founded their school’s first gay/straight alliance (GSA). Holloway also tried to educate his classmates on transgender issues, doing a presentation on the discrimination faced by transgender people as his final project in his senior contemporary issues class.

“Where I go to school it’s not a very liberal place. GLBT people don’t fit in very well … They can be out, but they can’t flaunt it,” said Holloway. “And it’s hard for transgender people to be out and not flaunt their gender identity. But I refuse to be silent because that’s one of the worst things you can do in the queer community.”

Sammy Sass, a senior at Buckingham, Browne and Nichols who lives in Cambridge, also worked to make her school a more welcoming place for LGBT people and their families. As the daughter of two moms, Sass immediately gravitated towards the GSA but was disappointed at how small the group was. For four years she worked to raise the profile of the GSA, holding the school’s first Day of Silence, an annual event organized by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) to draw attention to the silencing of LGBT youth in schools. That first year, Sass said, about 12 students participated by remaining silent for the day, but by her senior year that number had grown to about 70; additionally, over 200 students wore stickers that day marking them as a supporter of the Day of Silence. The GSA was officially on the map.

“It was really important just to have a GSA and let people know it was there,” said Sass.
Greater Boston Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) will honor Holloway and Sass, along with three other Bay State high school seniors, for their work in their schools and communities by presenting them with the first Elsie Frank Scholarship Awards at the organization’s fifth annual Pride and Passion Party on May 5. Greater Boston PFLAG has presented scholarships in past years, but this year the organization renamed them after the late Elsie Frank, an honorary board member and longtime supporter of the organization and mother to Congressman Barney Frank. Her family, including Congressman Frank, will be on hand to present the scholarships.

The Pride and Passion Party, which will be held at the Boston Ballet Building, will also honor two trailblazers in improving conditions in the state’s public schools for LGBT youth: Jeff Perrotti, founding director of the Department of Education’s Safe Schools program, and Kim Westheimer, another former director of the program. The two activists used their experiences to write their book on creating safe schools, 2002’s When the Drama Club is not Enough: Lessons from the Safe Schools Program for Gay and Lesbian Students.

As for the next generation of trailblazers, both Sass and Holloway said they intend to continue their LGBT activism after they graduate and go onto college. Holloway said he ultimately hopes to become a community youth worker and help other trans youth. When he was first coming out, he said a transgender community worker in Northampton provided crucial support to help him through the process.

“I would like to make the kind of difference that the community workers I have known, to make the same kind of difference they made. They were there when none of my friends knew what was going on because I knew that what we talked about was between us … They’ve changed my life, and I think it’s time to give back,” said Holloway.

The Pride and Passion Party will be held May 5 at the Boston Ballet Building, 19 Clarendon St., Boston. The scholarships will be presented at a 5 p.m. reception, and the party will begin at 6:30 p.m. To purchase tickets or find out more call 781.891.5966 or visit gbpflag.org.

Linkage: http://www.baywindows.com/ME2/Audiences/dirmod.asp?sid=&nm=&type=Publishing&mod=Publications%3A%3AArticle&mid=8F3A7027421841978F18BE895F87F791&AudID=0813BC739F2044E5A03DCF2DE3FDF7C9&tier=4&id=C249932F475E4C2C84CCC664C74D4410

#42 (aka: Important trans short film)

At True Colors this year, the overlying theme was "Family Matters". To reaffirm that theme, a video was shown in the opening ceremonies that was created by TransYouth Family Advocates. It's a really touching film. (Peterson, have you seen the whole thing? 'Cause whether or not you have, here it is for all to see:)

#41 (aka: Odd-kosh mah-gosh)

Today marks what is probably the strangest day, emotion-wise, for me. EVER. Curious? Here we go:

- My personal fitness class was just ending, and one of the head teachers comes up and tells one of my fellow senior classmates and I that we need to be in the auditorium for a class meeting (aka: lecture). So, we go in there, and right away I can tell that this is just like all the other "class meetings" we've had, where the administration are the ones talking, and we, the class, are sitting silently without an opportunity to submit any input. The meeting is about a couple of incidents that have happened in the last week or so that both the administration, as well as the majority of the class ourselves, are quite offended by. But, a big reason for our offense is that, frankly, the majority of us also don't know exactly what happened to require this meeting in the first place! That is how it usually goes with class meetings, though -- the people who know what's going on don't say anything, and those of us who don't just sit back and listen, hoping to understand but at the same time staying out of it so we don't become suspects. But today, I got angry. I finally became furious with the administration. I realized fully, This isn't right. Those of us who are innocent should not be held accountable for stuff we don't know anything about. Then I felt myself getting more worked-up than I knew I should in a crowded setting like the meeting, so I got myself out of there. I started to cry, and hyperventilate, and I got out of there. Needless to say, it was a difficult half-hour.

But then.......

- After the meeting, and after the seniors were permitted to have lunch (because, yeah, the meeting occured during the large part of what should have been our lunchtime), I went to chorus. I was expecting to be made even more pissed off, but it turned out to be really fun -- we laughed and sang (moderately, so we don't wreck our voices) and joyously carried on. I'm realizing now that my chorus teacher is not the reason that I go to chorus, because if she was, I'd be long out of that class by now. I've realized that the reason I keep going back there is because of the other high school chorus members. All eight of 'em. I was thinking about school today, looking around at my class during our meeting, and it came to me: There's a chance that I'll never see some of these people, some of which I've just started to become friends with, ever again. I need to be supportive and respectful of them, and I need to make as much of these last nineteen days of our schooling together as positive as it can be. And that's the same mentality I had going into chorus today, as well. Tonight will be our last concert together. It will be the last one I'll be in with them. It will be the last event where I can stand next to one or two of them and look at them as we take our bows and think, I'm so proud of you; of us. After tonight, as I watch future concerts and see them graduate, I'll still be proud. But, tonight is an end for us. And I'm going to give all of my voice to our songs. And I'm going to look into that crowd as they sit at their tables and in the bleachers as we sing, and I'm not going to think about my chorus teacher at all. I'm going to lead, and I'm going to follow, and I'm going to sing the songs like it's my last time, because it will be.

#40 (aka: Latin music, not so much, but every now and then...)

From 7th-8th grade, I was really enamored with Enrique Iglesias (yup, laugh it up -- however, let it be known that it was his influence that encouraged me to buy my first pair of MENS' leather pants). While I don't listen to his music much anymore, there are just some days when I need a bit of Latin music to get - well - everything moving, and today is one of those days. So, I have submitted to "The Rhythm Divine" and "Bailamos". I don't know how I feel about it yet.

And yes, Enrique, I most certainly can "feel the rhythm burning". Does that finally answer your question?!

#39 (aka: Finally quoting)

A while ago, Peterson made a posting about the five quotes that were most inspiring to him (or something along those lines). He tagged me to do the same at the end of the post, and I've been so busy, I haven't had the time to sit down and do it. So, today's the day. Here are my picks for my favorite/most inspiring quotes:

- "The most beautiful people in the world, and the most powerful, are those people who are unashamed just to be themselves" -- Peterson, The Identity Monologue

- "The nature of gender? Isn't that an oxymoron?" -- Kate Bornstein, My Gender Workbook

- "Your heart is the heart of the world, brother." -- S.B.B.

- "When I dare to be powerful; to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." -- Audre Lorde

- "To reveal the merest facets of the self, particularly when they are hard to uncover and even harder to understand, is a wonder of existence." -- C.R.

I'm also not going to tag anybody. Anyone who wants to do this quotation assignment, may.

#38 (aka: BIG, GREAT, AMAAAAAZING NEWS!!!!!)

I'm now $1,000 closer to college!

My mom got a call from a woman who works for the greater Boston branch of PFLAG, and the woman asked her to tell me to call her. So I did. And.... I am one of only 5 recipients of the GBPFLAG Elsie Frank Scholarship!!!!!!!!!! I think this could rank as one of the best moments of my entire life.

#37 (aka: Another workshop, another blurb)

On Wednesday, my school's Gay-Straight Alliance and I are leading a workshop about how to combat homophobia in public schools at a conference being held at a local middle school. For this workshop, I elected to be one of our group's three or four student speakers so that I could tell my own story and do my part by spreading the word not only about discrimination happening inside academic locations, but also in the world at large. This isn't exactly the assignment given to me by the GSA members and advisors, but it's what I came up with.

Hi, I’m Elliot. I’m eighteen, and I’m a high school senior. Like most other people in my class, I’m making preparations to go to college next year, I fight almost daily with my younger sibling, and I’m in a romantic relationship. The only real difference is that I am a transgender man.

Being a member of a minority group within a minority group, and with so many people being unsure of what being transgender means, you might think, Man, I bet he gets a lot of backlash for just being himself, but I actually haven’t. No; I’ve never been more violently harassed than being called names, or being told that I was wrong for expressing this part of my identity. Not even from some of my less than open-minded classmates. Instead, I hear about discrimination not while it’s happening, but afterward. Afterward, when all I can do is write down how the news makes me feel, or talk about it with friends and cry on their shoulders because the pain felt by victims of hate crimes is not only felt by them, but by everyone who hears about it and knows they could be next. Afterward, when I pray “it” doesn’t ever happen to me. Afterward, when I am warned that my furious passion is going to get me in trouble someday, and I am told to calm down. Afterward, when I refuse to just stand back and watch and not do anything.

That is why I am here. I’m here today to try my hardest to prevent another situation like that of Gwen Araujo, a transgender woman, who was only seventeen when she was murdered by three guys her age who were supposed to be her friends. I’m here to stop another Logan Smith incident before it happens, because the police definitely won’t – those officers of the law kicked him so hard in the abdomen that they punctured his bladder, which lead to his death, due to septic shock.

I’m here for my lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, two spirited, same-gender-loving, third sex, pansexual brothers and sisters who cannot be, either because they’re too scared to “come out”, or because they’ve been physically, emotionally or mentally hurt so badly that they can’t stand up for themselves, or because they’re no longer alive.

The great lesbian poet Audre Lorde once said, “When I dare to be powerful; to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid”. As I stand before you today, and tell you all of this, I am afraid. But today, I also dare to be powerful, so with each passing second, my fear is conquered by my mission to make our world, starting with our schools, safer for us all.

Wish us luck! With this being the first workshop being led at a conference for most of my fellow group members, I think we'll need all the well-wishes we can get.

#36 (aka: It's all good. Really!)

Happy bit #1: I'm seeing Mr. Boyfriend today. :D

Happy bit #2: I saw Peterson's "Homo No Mo" for the first time last night. Peterson, my man, though you've already been enlightened of this (several times) by me, THE PLAY ROCKED/S. You did a great job.

And now, I must go. Because this is my senior privs period, and I don't know what else I have to do but there must be something.

#35 (aka: Announcement, everyone! Big news!)

Mr. Elliot, here, has gotten himself a boyfriend. Who is very sexy. And adorable. And sweet. And a transguy! So he's everything I'm looking for! Things are going so well!

That is all I will say here. If any of you have any questions, please ask. Though I'm not giving many details, because that's just not cool for me.

Please, though, do ask!!! :D

EDIT: The conference went well, too. You can ask questions about that, as well, 'cause that would just be a lot for me to post about all at once.

#34 (aka: True. Colors.)

The True Colors Conference is TOMORROW, folks! It will be this teenage transman's first real dive into the arena of activism in the form of teaching. I'm much more comfortable with screaming and flailing and stomping in the rain (though that last part was, shall we say, less than enjoyable).

As has been made known, Peterson is doing a workshop this year (woot for Peterson). But this year he is not going it alone. This is my first year running a workshop of my own, and only my second year ever going to True Colors at all! I could use lots of moral support at this time. Please offer whatever you can.

*Going to finish PowerPoint slideshows for said workshop at said conference*

#33 (aka: My thoughts on "Joyful Sign" and its ingenious creators)

As you may have read me gush over before, my favorite band in the whole entire universe, Girlyman,

has just sent out the pre-ordered copies of their new CD "Joyful Sign".

I receieved my copy in the mail yesterday, which made me simply ecstatic. And today I remain on cloud nine, not just because of the beautiful-ness of the new CD, but also because of the attractiveness of the band in all respects. See what I mean?(:)

#32 (aka: New poem)

a poem for my stepbrother (currently untitled)

As soon as you say those words,
I forgive you
I know that he influences you
in bad ways to do bad things
I know that he means those hateful words,
but you don't
not you
Not my sweet stepbrother
with your darling eyes of blue
and your scruffy blonde hair,
and your skinny, constantly-growing-taller body
that I used to give piggy-back rides to
when you were still a young boy

I don't need to hear your apology
to know that you don't agree with him
to know that you don't really understand
You're better than him
because you don't have an angry like mine
on your mother's side of the family

You're better than him
because of who your mother is
and who her closest sister is
and who our family friends are
and because of who I am
and who I see
that you are, too

#31 (aka: This all makes for one happy Girly-fan)

Two very good things have happened in the life of this young Girlyman fan recently:

1. I've finally given up on trying to conform to many other G-man fans and, instead of crushing on Ty (who is attractive, yes, but not really all that much (to me, anyway)), I am proud to proclaim that I have much admiration for the biologically male member of the band, Nate.

2. My mom pre-ordered the band's new CD, "Joyful Sign", for me. Because it's my birthday next week. And even though the CD won't be in my eager hands until the next week, at least I know it's going to be on its way soon. (Thank you again, Mom!)

Linkage: http://www.girlyman.com

#30 (aka: An amazing moment in time)

*I wrote and posted this on LiveJournal last night. Sorry about all the "Tonight"s -- that's what I used when I posted on LJ, and didn't think to change it. But, you get the same basic gist of what happened anyway.*

Earlier this week I posted about how excited I was to have rented the entire season of "TransGeneration" from Netflix. Well, both discs arrived yesterday, and I watched all eight of the episodes in one evening (some life I have, huh?). This morning, I talked to my father about the possibility of us watching an episode together. The particular episode that I had in mind was the last one, where one of the cast members, Lucas, is graduating from college and has his whole family come from Oklahoma. This "whole family" includes his father. Since Lucas is an FTM, and I am too, and since I've had more issues with my father about this than I have with my mom, I thought it would be something good for us to watch together. Tonight, we did.

With my father and stepmother sitting on one of the couches near the half-wall and the stairs leading down to the basement and my brothers' room, and me reclining in a cushioned rocking chair, we watched the last 50-minute, commercial-free segment of "TransGeneration". I kept waiting for my father to get up and start doing more laundry or something, but he didn't. Tonight, for the second night in a row, I realized that he really does care about this. He really does care that I'm becoming his son. That feels incredible. *I'm tearing up as I write this, by the way... excuse me... * I never thought that my dad and I would start to see eye-to-eye about this. I thought he hated me, or at least this part of me. But maybe now he's starting to see that it's not so terrible that I'm becoming his third son. Or his first son, depending on how you look at it, since I'm the oldest child.

Something that Lucas's dad said in this final episode was, in short, that he quickly realized, upon doing some reading about being a parent of a Transgendered child, that he wasn't alone in feeling that he was mourning the death of a child. But he eventually said something profound: "My daughter just grew up to be a man". I should have looked back to try to see my dad's reaction to that statement, but I didn't. I wish I could have seen if there was any look of revelation or comradery or shock or understanding on my father's face, but if he was affected to the point of showing that kind of emotion facially, I didn't want to risk ruining it by letting him know that I saw it. So I watched the rest of the episode, and shed a couple of tears near the very end when Lucas and his Transbrother Kasey are telling each other how much the other means to him because I know what it's like to love another Transguy as much as they love one another, and then as the credits were rolling I turned to my dad with as much bravery as I could muster and said, "I hope that, someday, we can have the kind of relationship that Lucas and his dad have. That father/son relationship". He asked why, and I replied, "Well, I know that you already have two sons, but I'd just like us to be able to be friends, like you and the boys seem to be. Most of the time". We chuckled a bit about that last remark, and I said, "Do you think that will ever happen?" I didn't give him the time to answer, really. I just waited through the couple seconds of silence before I got up to come into my room. But I know that what I said touched something in my father. For the first time, I think I can finally say that I'm proud to be his son.

#29 (aka: Feeling a bit... hormonal *wink*)

Testosterone. Might be a big part of my (rather) near future. If you wanna learn more about my particular (read: complicated) situation... leave comments! :D

#28 (aka: My fuzzy little buddy)

This is my little puppy-bugger, Elton. Isn't he cute?!?!?!

#27 (aka: Darling little rascals)

(Now, I promise that this bit of story will lead into my original topic, because I know sometimes my stories and my initial spark of inspiration don't match up. Anyway...) At my therapy meeting on Thursday, a question that my mom and I both had for the gender specialist was if it would be safe for me to give birth to my own biological child after beginning hormone treatment. She said that, no; it wasn't a good idea, citing some findings that doctors had made about children whose parents were female-bodied people who were taking testosterone before they were conceived. The parents then stopped taking the hormones, with the wellbeing of their child in mind, but the children were still born with birth defects. I never wanted to have my own biological children anyway, so I didn't think it was really an issue anymore.

But, last night, my dad, my stepmom, my stepbrother and I went to a church function where the purpose was to give people food and play games and watch a movie to try to recruit more people to join the church. There were a lot of really sweet kids there. One, in particular, sat on my lap while eating his pizza just so that he could be around me more (he basically followed me around all night). And I was deeply moved by that.

I really don't know what's up with me now. I seem to have the urge to be a dad (someday). I don't want to have my own children -- even before I realized I was Trans, I wanted to adopt, because I don't think I could handle the pain of giving birth very well and I'd rather take care of a child already trying to survive in this messed-up world we're living in than bring another into it. But I want to help raise a child. And I want to be somebody's Transbrother -- somebody's older Transbrother. Maybe it's my desire to be needed and loved and appreciated like I need, love, and appreciate my own Chosen Family that drives me to want to raise children someday -- I don't know. All I do know is that one of the main goals that I had when I came out and began to do activism was to make a difference in the life (or lives) of someone (or some people) like me. I want to be for another what my Chosen Family (specifically the gender-variant members) are for me.

Is this urge to be a positive influence on someone younger a common thing, in y'all's experience?

#26 (aka: Ohhhh.... Massachusetts)

So, anybody who lives in Western Massachusetts (or the surrounding states) has to have noticed the incredibly large amount of snow that has accumulated today. I have decided to create a short compare/contrast project in honor (read: fury) of Massachusetts, and, of course, I had to mention some highlights (to make myself feel better). Enjoy.


Irritating: (part of my street)


Beautiful: (Cape Cod)


Ugly: (Samuel Hooper, a Republican businessman and US congressman who was from our state and worked here while he was alive (a long time ago))


DEFINITELY not that bad looking: (Melissa Ferrick)

#25 (aka: Desperate for change)

I've got a new story this evening:

After the Trans Town Hall Meeting today at the MEF, I called my mother to ask her to come pick me up from Northampton. While I waited for her, I had time to go get a coffee at Starbucks and browse around at Pride and Joy. Despite the cold, I had a pretty good time, wandering around independently and experiencing NoHo as a freebird, of sorts.

My mother and I had planned when she dropped me off that we would meet back up in front of Faces, and then proceed home from there. I believe I waited out there in the cold for her for about 20 minutes. Yes, it was freezing, but I didn't want to miss her.

While I stood there waiting for her, I stood about 4 feet away from a homeless young woman, politely asking the complete strangers that passed her for any spare change. I think I gave her about 75 cents, and I felt good about that, even though I wished I could have done more. But there were other people who passed us on the sidewalk who infuriated me. The homeless woman would ask these people for change, and they would just pass right by her! Some of them didn't even look at her, and the ones who did seemed to see her as scum. It made me so angry. I wanted to hit some of them, especially the ones who didn't even glance her way. They acted like she wasn't even there, but I know they heard her -- it wasn't that noisy on that main stretch today. One teenage girl even swerved out of the way so that she could avoid the homeless woman. It was all so disrespectful. I couldn't believe that people could treat each other that way and not even give it a second thought. What kind of a society are we living in when people who obviously have enough money can't spend a little of it to help those who are significantly less fortunate?

And, you know, it did cross my mind at one point, since she was so calm, that she might just be doing a project for school or something, because Smith College is so close to where she was. But from the way she seemed so desperate for change, that thought left my mind almost as quickly as it entered.

See, I cannot very easily just walk past someone who is in the position that that homeless woman was in. I realize that I could be running the risk of being scammed by somebody who wants a couple extra bucks, but I try to not think about that -- instead, I like to think that I'm doing something to help these less fortunate people. I'm happy to help people like that woman, and, yes, I know that there's going to be a point when I'm relying on myself for income where I may have to walk past people like her. But that time is not right now, and maybe I'm too soft-hearted when it comes to seeing people like that asking as desperate a question as hers, but I know that passing by someone like her in the future will be really hard on me. I don't like to see others suffering, which is a major reason why I'm an activist.

I guess the most important part of this posting (for me) is that I have a question: Is there a point at which I should seriously take a step back and think twice about helping a seemingly well-meaning homeless person in broad daylight, where there appears to be little chance of my getting physically harmed? I don't feel right about not helping someone when I know I can, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. Where does one draw the line in situations like that?

#24 (aka: Irish sweetness)

This is a song off The Chieftains' CD "Tears of Stone" called "Jimmy Mo Mhile Stor". I'm falling in love with it quickly, and here are the lyrics to it (yes, the lyrics are in Gaelic or Old Irish or something, so the original lyrics are hard to understand, I know, but the translation is so beautiful):

(Original)

Bliain an taca seo dimigh uaim run mo chleibh
Ni thiocfaidh se abhaile go dtabharfaidh se cursa an tsaoil
Nuair chifead e rithead le fuinneamh ro-ard ina chomhair
agus chludod le mil e, is e Jimmy mo mhile stor.

Bionn mo mhathair is mathair ag bearradh is ag bruion liom fein
taim giobaithe piocaithe, ciapaithe, craite de mshaol
Thugas taitneamh don duine ud dob aille sno
agus chuaigh se ar bord loinge, is e Jimmy mo mhile stor

Rachadsa chun coille agus caithfead ann an chuid eile de mshoal
san ait na beidh einne ag eisteacht le ceol na n-ean
ag bun an chrainn chaorthainn mar a bhfasann ann fear go leor
ag tabhart taitnamh don duine ud is e Jimmy mo mhile stor

(Translation)

My love he's gone from me, no fairer than him can be found,
He'll never return until he course the wide world around.
When I'll see my love coming I'll crown him with laurel all o'er,
He's the neatest of lovers called Jimmy mo mhíle stór.

My father and mother they never can give me ease
Since first my true love went from me to the seas,
I bear it with patience, shedding and sighing full sore,
Lamenting the fate of Jimmy, mo mhíle stór.

I'll got to the greenwood and spend there all of my time,
Where no man or mortal can ever disturb my mind,
Beneath the green willow I'll lament and sigh full sore,
And I'll wait on my pillow for Jimmy mo mhíle stór.

Also, for your listening pleasure, here is a link where you can find an mp3 downloadable version of the version of this song that's on The Chieftains' CD:

http://mp3phoenix.net/en/Song-mp3-Jimmy-Mo-Mhile-Stor-The-Chieftains-The-Rankins/491293/

#23 (aka: And this is the icing on the cake)

Using today's wonderful happenings as inspiration, I WROTE THE DAMN BALLAD!!!. Here! Read!

"Show"

You can't tell us that we're wrong
For trying to speak our minds
You're contradicting your own Act
And leaving all of us Behind

You don't really understand
To a point, neither do we
But we're not blind; we comprehend
Your eyes are open but don't see

Personally, it makes me sad
That you think we'd try to hurt
Someone you don't really know,
But that I've known since I wore skirts

You think that we're so stupid
You think we haven't grown
But we have heart and witnessed
More than you could ever know

You've got to have more faith in us
We have to make you "get"
That we are going to do great things --
You don't know the half of it yet

#22 (aka: Creating change)

Something amazing happened today in my English class.

We had a "discussion" (read: lecture) with the faculty about an incident that happened with an autistic student at our school. The vice principal is always saying how what our teachers and advisors are here to do is prepare us for the world outside of pioneer, and they say all the time that we're adults, but they treat us like we're in third grade, and that just isn't working anymore. Anyway... in my English class, we were supposed to watch some film about 9/11, but it didn't happen because we ended up talking about all the injustices that the administration were committing on us. And since they had a meeting where they were the only ones talking, we decided it's our turn to make them listen. so we're going to speak with our class representatives and then go to our own class supervisors/advisors (whatever they are) and plan a meeting where we tell our side to the people who haven't listened to us.

Since I started to be an activist on behalf of Trans people, I was under the impression that because no one in my school seemed to care, they didn't know (and could never know) what it's like to fight for something that you believe in with all your heart. And they might not see what happened today as monumental, but I do. Everybody always saw our class as the slackers, but we're going to change their minds. This is an incredible day.

#21 (aka: The ballad of my poetic slump)

I was given a very interesting homework assignment in my AP Writing for Self-Expression (aka: Creative Writing) course today. Well, first let me explain about the assignment from the night before: our teacher asked us to find a song that we liked that was a "ballad", and she said it didn't have to be all lovey-dovey/mooshy-gooshy/heartwrenching, but it had to meet the "requirements" of being a ballad (like the last word of the second and fourth lines of each verse rhyming).

So, today, she told us to go home and write our own ballad. And this is where the problem comes up. See, I've written plenty of songs before, of the "ballad" type. So I shouldn't have a problem with this assignment, right? WRONG. I can't seem to write a ballad now that I know what it is and what the requirements are for it! It would appear that this teacher is committing creative sabotage on me, and I just don't appreciate it. Not one bit.

#20 (aka: I need permission to chill out)

I feel way too overwhelmed to be as young and new to activism as I am. I'm very proud to be "out" as a Trans youth at 17 -- I know that my feeling comfortable and strong enough to reveal this part of myself to me and those around me says a lot about my character and the people I prefer to be around. And I feel very fortunate to be able to do activism on behalf of this community. But everything is becoming so overpowering, that with graduation approaching, and even before that, the True Colors Conference. Don't get me wrong -- I'm really excited about all this stuff that will be happening in the next few months. But I feel so drained.

What I'd like to know is how people like Leslie Feinberg and Kate Bornstein (as well as any activists on here) are able to have such stamina in their activism and everything else they do and not go insane. Because, right now, with everything that I'm doing, I don't know how all you grown-ups don't land in the nut house with all the responsibility that comes with adulthood. If I'm feeling so... freaked out... right now, how am I ever going to make it when I'm living on my own?!

#19 (aka: Ah, Mr. Mathers, you've hit the nail on the head)

Something weird has happened to my musical tastes lately: I have become a fan of Eminem. At this time last year, I would have thought, whatever. I don't really connect to the guy (and I still don't listen to artists whose lyrics I don't connect to). But I saw his movie "8 Mile" on VH1 one night a few weeks ago, and I realized through the struggle of the main character Rabbit (played by Eminem) that my own struggle isn't all that different from his. I think that "8 Mile" was rather autobiographical of Eminem's own life. Long story short, I have a lot of respect for him now.

My stepbrother has Eminem's album of hits called "Curtain Call". On it, there are two songs that really touch me. One is called "Like Toy Soldiers", which is about the importance of close friends and loyalty (in this case, I connected it to the brotherhood I feel with my Transdude friends). The other is called "When I'm Gone", and it is one of the two songs that he wrote on this album for his daughter (the other is "Mockingbird"). This song is special to me because it's about how much you need to value the people who you love and who you'd give your life for because you never know when they might be gone. If you have a chance, I suggest listening to these songs if you have any opportunity to. And if you want to, here are some links to the lyrics of "Like Toy Soldiers" and "When I'm Gone" so that you can read what I think is so profound about those songs:

"Like Toy Soldiers" -- http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/liketoysoldiers.html
"When I'm Gone" -- http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/whenimgone.html

And here's a link about "8 Mile", if you've got extra online time on your hands:

"8 Mile" -- http://www.8-mile.com/

#18 (aka: Busy E)

I am going to be one busy Transguy this next week. Today, at 11:30, I am meeting with a student from Yale University School of Nursing to have an interview with her about Transgender Health Care (or, lack thereof). And I'm getting paid for it... that's always a plus. ;-D

Moving right along, there's church tomorrow and then school, and next Friday a few of my fellow Chorus members and I are singing an arrangement of the Beatles song "Golden Slumbers" at our instructor's birthday party in a church at Smith College in Northampton. The next day, the 10th, I'm going to be back in Northampton to a) meet up with my new Transdude friend Bet and b) to attend what is being called a Transgender Town Hall Meeting, where we'll be discussing the new anti-discrimination law for people of gender-variance in Massachusetts, which our brilliant (and Democratic and liberal) new governor Deval Patrick has stated he wants to pass. There are supposedly going to be some representatives from the legislature there to answer our questions and such, and those of us who want to will be able to speak on behalf of ourselves and our Trans friends, who really want this act to be signed into law, as well. It's time for us Transgender folk to make change not only in our individual communities, but all throughout the state. And I feel privileged to be alive to see this change happening.

But, all the hustle and bustle does not stop at the end of this week. On the weekend of February 23, there's a small chance that I may be performing with Athens Boys Choir. ABC (in case you forgot, or haven't seen my post about him on Little Bits) is a spoken word poet out of Georgia whom I met over the summer, and who helped me out when I sent him some interview questions for my senior project. In short, he's a pretty cool Trannyboy.

In the second week of March (if my school's principal doesn't give me a hard time about it) a couple of my Transbrothers (and one of their girlfriends) are going to come speak with me in a presentation for my senior project in English class. The three of them are going to be staying for 2 or 3 days at my mom's house, so that should be fun. I don't get to see them a lot (well, they do live in Georgia, after all), and "a lot" is an understatement because I haven't seen either of them in almost a year (since the True Colors Conference last year), and I've never met the girlfriend, but I've heard wonderful things about her.

And speaking of True Colors... the week after my T-bros come from Georgia to speak with me, TCC 2007 happens. Which reminds me, I need to figure out exactly what I'm going to say. (Peterson, we really do need to talk about this. Your man Elliot here needs some serious mentoring on the subject).

So, if I'm not able to post long entries like this for a while, I'm sorry. But at least you'll know why!

#17 (aka: Friday good grades gladness)

Oh, I’m a happy Transdude this afternoon. I just found out that I made high honors second quarter! Many woots! Here are the results of my report card that led to that wonderful conclusion being proclaimed:

Eng 12A – B
Math Workshop – A
Contemporary Issues – A
Digital Art – A-
HS Chorus – A
First Aid – A
Phys. Ed. 11/12 – A

Again, many woots! :-D

#16 (aka: Examination)

I just finished my First Aid final exam about fifteen minutes ago. I have Chorus next, and it's a half day, so after two blocks of that (following another block here in the First Aid/9th Grade Health/Sewing-Textiles classroom) I'll be able to go home. ::YAY!!!::

Last Friday, my Chorus teacher gave us the written part of our exam. That went okay, I think, except for the note reading, and subsequent song identifying through note reading. I don't read notes. It would have gone better if I did, but I don't. So there. But, anyway... last week when I took that part of the exam, my throat was still too glibber-globbly to sing. And, since it's Chorus, singing is part of the exam. So I'll do that part today. However, some questions ring through my mind at the end of each semester in Chorus: Why do we have an exam in that class? All we do is sing! And why does she think that we're going to remember the notes of our songs after we sing them? Come on! Hardly any of us even read music!

...Jeez...

#15 (aka: Story)

Okay, dewds, this is the first part of that new story that I posted about yesterday (which y'all can still help me with if you feel so inspired, hehe (but no hard feelings if you don't, of course)). I decided it's going to be called "Boi Band" (unless anybody else can come up with a better title). Comments of any sort about it are welcome (even if you post "Elliot, this is the worst piece of writing I've ever read in my life. You have to start all over again"). Anyway... here it is:

Courage is fear that says its prayers. This is the only “old saying” that I have ever heeded to or understood. That’s because it is the only one that has ever really and directly applied to me.

My name is Crane. I was born and raised less than an hour from the Queer capitol of Massachusetts (known commonly as Northampton), but for many years I didn’t know that this incredible jewel even existed. It took me almost until I was eighteen to begin to appreciate the greatness held within that town, but once I did, I never looked back.

It was through my friend Theo that I met someone else who would change my life. His name is Hewitt, and he was my first real dad, even though, in many ways, he just couldn’t be.

Before you wonder, no; I was not a test-tube baby. I have a biological mother and father, but my relationship with Hewitt always was and still remains totally different. My birth parents love me, yes, but they don’t really know me – they don’t see me like Hewitt does. They don’t “get” me like him. He and Theo and Dragan and Macon and Oliver – they’re the best chosen family a young Transgender man like me could ever hope for. They’re all my heart ever cried out for, and it was only when they answered that my world finally came together and truly made sense.

#14 (aka: We are fam-i-ly)

I'm writing a new short (though it could turn out to be not so short when it's finished) story, and I need some help.

The story is going to be about the close relationship that these 5 Transguys have together. I don't know if there's gonna be any romance yet, because I haven't really started to write it -- just in the planning stages right now, you see. I'm going to focus on the closeness these guys have with one another, and I was wondering if anyone on here has any insight or feelings about that kind of close brotherhood that FTM's and Butches (and other groups of people, I'm sure) seem to have. Believe me, I've got a couple of guys that I feel extremely close to, so I could write this story with just my idea about this bond, but I like to have other peoples' perspectives on these sorts of things. So... the floor is open. Anybody?

#13 (aka: "This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you")

I don't know if it's just me or what, but the way that Josh Groban sings "Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)" just breaks my heart. Or, maybe it's that the man is just lovely. Or, maybe it's that he doesn't appear to be Queer. Not that he needs to be Queer to be crush-worthy... it just might be a bit encouraging.

But, anyway, this post isn't supposed to be about his looks. If you wanna hear the boy sing "Vincent" (which is an experience I highly recommend), pick up his self-titled album (it's been out for a few years, but you can probably get it anywhere they sell CD's).

And that concludes my too-excited/groupie raving about Mr. Groban. Enjoy the eye candy (I certainly am). And enjoy the voice (if you don't already).

#12 (aka: Yay! Friends!)

A couple months ago, I created an account on LiveJournal.com because I knew a couple of friends who had accounts there and thought perhaps I should check it out. So I did. And I got a comment, and a couple of friends on there, but nothing monumental.

Then, yesterday, my good ol' buddy Bear posted a blurb about me (much like Peterson did when I first made Little Bits here on Blogger) and suddenly, I got swarmed with comments and adding of friends (all through Bear, of course) and everything started to come up roses!

Here is the link to my LiveJournal (if any of y'all have LJ's and have kept mum about it, or if you just wanna check out mine if you're bored online sometime): elliot-manning.livejournal.com


Peace out!

#11 (aka: I think I'm Gay)

Oooh, big shocker! Yeah, definitely not. That was sarcastic, way beyond the level that I usually attempt at the beginning of an entry but whatever. This has been a long time coming, I guess. I still haven't totally come to the final conclusion that I only want to date more masculine people, but that is definitely a possibility. Being in the mindset that I have been lately, since I've been working on figuring all this stuff out anyway, it isn't really that big of a deal to me. But I can think of a few people that this might be hard for (like my girlfriend, for instance). Yesterday I told Bear (we're okay again, by the way) about how I felt about my sexual orientation, knowing full well that it would not be weird to him at all, and he decided to be a jokester and exclaim "Oh, Elliot, that's terrible! I just cannot be your friend anymore! That's it! I'm sorry, but, no!" He was being a wiseass/a supportive buddy, but when I tell some people, I'm sure that they'll have the same reaction (only, without the sprinkling of humor). Lots of people around me just don't "get" the fluidity of sexuality, and how it can change over a lifetime. But I "get" it, because I'm living it!

On a more serious note concerning this, I've been thinking for a while (well, two or three weeks, since my girlfriend and I started together) that my situation with her is not so unlike the situation that Peterson had with his wife when he was married to her. In "Fish Can't Fly", I believe it was you, Peterson, who said that you felt that you were being unfaithful to her because whenever you were... intimate..., it was not usually her that you were thinking about -- it was men. By the way, you can give me a good knock up'side the head when we see one another again if it was another person who said this, but I think it was you. And whenever I kiss my girlfriend (I've got a cold, though, so I haven't in a few days), I don't think about kissing her -- I think about kissing someone... else. Usually, a Transman I imagine up. I feel bad, but I can't help it. Any thoughts on all of this?

#10 (aka: How many blogs does one really need?!)

I'm considering not posting on Little Bits anymore (or not as much) due to extremely low amounts of traffic/comments on the posts I make on it. I'm not going to do it until I get at least a couple of comments about it on here or on Little Bits (or at least not for a week, so if you have any entries you want to print out or whatever, you'll have time). I'm not going to shut down the blog (because I don't know if I really can) but I definitely won't be posting as much on there. 'Cause things are just getting way too slow on there, dudes!

If you want to keep finding new posts on lovely Little Bits, write me a comment and tell me why.

#9 (aka: I am SO Queer)

I am Queer. Take a look at me, and what I stand for and what music I listen to and what I read and write about, and you can see that fact as clear as day. But, aside from all that, there really is something about me that (up until recently) I thought was really strange, even by my standards, which are pretty liberal, thank you very much.

When I first came out as Transgender, I thought that all Transguys had to date Femmes and that all Transwomen had to date Butches (Femmes didn’t have to be biological women, and Butches didn’t have to be biological men, but that was still how it had to be, all the same). Those were the rules (at least the ones that I was taught) of the Transgender Dating Game. But what I didn’t think about was that, as Transpeople, we were already breaking many traditional “rules” set by the rest of society anyway, so why couldn’t we just continue with that? I mean, slaying all of the other expectations that the general society had placed on us since we were born just because of the sex our doctors proclaimed us to have was working out okay, so why not just take it one step further, yeah? Yeah. Exactly.

Well, I’m living proof of the fluidity of sexuality and the shape-shifting of gender that can happen when people stop giving half a fuck about what anyone else thinks and just give themselves that kind of power, so I was only a little surprised when, after years of being only attracted to women, I became attracted to men, as well. But I’ve also gotten a girlfriend recently, and we’ve been discussing the possibility of getting “intimate” and after looking at a book yesterday of exquisite drawings of gorgeous men having, shall we say, a very good time together, it’s come to my attention that I really want a boyfriend. Or, something along those lines.

Even to make sure that I wanted a man and that the excitement I felt in that bookstore wasn’t just a fluke, random… thing, I read some lesbian erotica, and you know what I felt? DAMN NEAR NOTHING. And I quickly realized that all that I was feeling while reading the lesbian erotica was mostly just the aftershock of the arousal I had after looking at those freakin’ beautiful men.

After thinking about it further, though, I’ve realized that maybe I’m just not as attracted to my girlfriend as I thought I was. I mean, for one thing, she really isn’t my type at all (for the record, I usually am attracted to the more goth/punk/cabaret/S&M-looking kind of ladies, and my girlfriend... well, let's just say she isn't that kind of girl). Men are (certainly and definitely) not out of the question entirely, either, but I’d say that it’s about time that I find what I’m looking for and try to form a relationship with someone that might have a chance of lasting.

#8 (aka: As if I haven't made it clear enough...)

Ignorance of any kind really pisses me off. But today I was pretty blown away by it. There is a boy in my school's Gay Straight Alliance who decided to take a tally collection of how many times he heard a phrase like "that's so gay" in school. He began it last Friday and has carried it on to today. The results were appalling to me, though not all that surprising, considering the community in which our school is surrounded. He reported that he had heard some version of the above-printed homophobic remark 35 times. So we decided almost immediately that our GSA's topic for the workshop we're leading at the Annual Community Coalition for Teens Conference in early April is going to be about teaching ways to combat (or at least try to deal with non-violently) homophobic remarks in school. We think it will be interesting, and I hope it makes a difference to some of the youth who will be attending our workshop, because all of this cruelty really needs to stop. And soon, for the sake of the GLBTQQI-identifying people who are either already trying to make it through the year at our school or who will be coming in the coming years. We need to create a better environment for them, and for "out" (and not yet "out") Queer individuals everywhere.

#7 (aka: Better today)

I'm trying not to focus as much on what happened with Bear now. If I do find myself thinking about Wednesday, I try to immediately zone in on the fun I had with him, instead of the rough patch we hit toward the end of our visit. I'm still having a bit of a hard time, but I'm trying to stay strong. I've been thinking that maybe if I stop consciously looking for a father figure, I'll just find one someday (hopefully much sooner than later). After all, that's how I ended up meeting my first girlfriend. And our relationship turned out to be pretty good... for a while. Yeah -- that's what I'll do. I just hope I don't end up kicking myself for it.

Something that helped me to not think about Wednesday's cloud of trauma was my presentation in Contemporary Issues about Transgender Discrimination. After my PowerPoint slideshow was finished, I answered an array of questions that didn't really have to do with discrimination in particular (they asked instead about the process of transitioning for Transgender people and about how my family and society and general deals with it), but it was still a heart-warming, optimism-inducing experience for me because it proved to me that these people are not as cruel as I always thought they were (at least, they're not as cruel now). And they really listened to what I had to say! Attentively! And that was probably the best part of all.

My teacher said that she'd never witnessed anything like the transformation my class seems to have made because of my example. I'm not going to let that extraordinary compliment go to my head, but it was something I honestly didn't expect, and to be appreciated that way by someone outside of the Queer community is a great feeling.

#6 (aka: Orphan again)

I saw my friend Bear yesterday, and I was having a marvelous time until we got back to the cafe we originally met up at and began to have a conversation about how I thought of him as my Butch/FTM dad. He said that he wished he could be the kind of dad that I deserved, but he just can't. I don't think he understood that... well, maybe I just didn't quite understand (or want to understand) what his limitations were in terms of our relationship. He knows that he's a big part of my life, and he's been very important to me practically since I met him. Since I began to read his book, even, which was before I was introduced to him. I feel like I've been abandoned; orphaned; rejected. Yet again.

Talking with another friend about it afterwards helped. I got to tell my friend a lot of what I've wanted to tell him for a long time, but as I was saying all the words I told him -- everything I've kept locked inside of me even as I've gotten to know him better and trust him more -- I was terrified that he would reject me like I felt Bear had. I know that rejecting is (and really cannot be) part of his job description, but our friendship is closer than just one between co-workers. He's become my best friend. I love him dearly, but I hate the strict boundaries that are between us. I talked with him yesterday about how, some days, I wish I'd never walked through the doors of the place he works because then I could have met him under different terms -- there wouldn't be the "under surveilance" mentality over the situation because he wouldn't, in a way, be my superior. He would just be a friend -- he would just be my big brother.

I understand the boundaries that my other friend has to keep up because of his job. That's where we're able to see one another, and that's where I can get support from him. Although I might not appreciate with how strict they are, they are intact and, in order to maintain my relationship with him, I must follow them. But the closeness that I feel to him still doesn't make the fact that Bear can't be my dad feel any less traumatizing -- his care for me can't make that pain go away. He said to me yesterday that, in due time, I would find the kind of father figure that I'm searching so desperately for. But I can't just wait around for things to happen -- I'm not good at it. I like to have a schedule, and I like to know exactly when and how things are going to occur. I've worked so hard to be independent of people because I don't want to have to rely on others for happiness and contentment the rest of my life. But I just don't see that happening.

I thought that, by transitioning, I could lose some of that feeling of dependency, but now that I've realized how much I need my Trans brothers (as well as a Trans dad), I know that I need to be around people now more than ever. But it seems like almost every Transman that I encounter who might be able to become that crucial father figure does not have the time to take on that role. I understand that they are busy, but I really need someone to look out for me like a father is supposed to, because my biological father won't.

I need someone that I can call in the middle of the night if I get beaten up to come peel me off the sidewalk and drive me home. I need someone to come to the doctor's office with me when I get my first shot of testosterone, and to come to the hospital with me when I have my top surgery. I need someone to teach me all that he knows about how not to hurt the men and women that I form romantic relationships with. I need someone to vent to when the circumstances are most urgent. I need a shoulder to cry on when the Transmen I've met through places that I volunteer at or am a member of cannot be there for me because of the restrictions their jobs place on them. I'm not strong enough yet to do all this on my own -- I don't think I ever will be. I'm not good at being solitary -- I can't figure a lot of things out by myself. I need someone who doesn't have to think twice before coming to help me. I need someone who can be there for me 24/7, and if not that, then at least most of the time. I need to not feel alone even though I have many people to support and love me. I just need... someone.

#5 (aka: Surprise!)

I got two surprises today that changed my whole outlook on the rest of my senior year.

Number One: The results of the MCAS (Massachusetts Comprehensive Assessment System) test came back today, and every one of the five or six people who took the test the day that I did, passed. Including me! Woot! Who's the rock star? Oh, right now, I definitely am!

Number Two: (on a calmer note) I got an email from one of my cousins today, on the topic of my presentation in English today (see previous posting for more details), and in it I found some things out about him that I didn't expect at all. Shows how well I know my own relatives, I guess. I just didn't think anybody in my biological family really cared about my Transgender identity. But I'm glad to have been proven wrong. Check it out:

i just wanted to let you know that i support you with your...transgenderness? forgive me i don't really know what you call your decision. I just heard you say today that you dont get a whole lot of support from the fam. and i just wanted to make sure you knew you've got my support, even if you haven't got the rest of the family to back you.

#4 (aka: I feel sucked)

I just made what probably has been the second most nerve-wracking, high-emotion presentation in my entire career as an activist. I gave a speech of sorts to my English class that I never imagined would happen as smoothly as it did. I wrote a paper in which I compared the relationships between two sets of characters in Leslie Feinberg's books Stone Butch Blues and Drag King Dreams, and I gave my presentation based on what I wrote in my paper. Three people went before me -- two guys went on Friday, and then another girl went before me today. Their presentations basically progressed as described by our teacher, meaning they hit all of the requirements on the rubric. I tried to do that, and I thought I was doing pretty well with it until I hit the part where I read quotes from the book in order to truly convey how important the relationships were. I got very "into" what I was reading -- I used vocal inflection and volume to my advantage in order to really show the people in my class how these characters cared for one another.

When my teacher began to speak after I finished reading the quotes, I thought that he was going to reprimand me and basically tell me to just get on with it because I didn't have much time left to present. But he said something surprising; he told me to tell my classmates what I wanted them walk away from my presentation thinking. So I told them that I wanted them to think about how much they valued their friends, because sometimes friends can be more family than our own relatives are. I followed that by saying that, in both Stone Butch Blues and Drag King Dreams, the main characters find the place that they know they really belong with members of their Chosen Family, and, in my personal experience as a Transguy, the same has happened. The Transgender people I have encountered and become friends with have truly become my brothers and sisters, and I feel a connection with them that I have never felt with any of my biological family. When I started this project, and even over the weekend when I was finishing it, I never thought about how I could connect my life to the lives of the characters in Stone Butch Blues and Drag King Dreams. But since my teacher helped me to get to that part of thought today, and since I was given a real opportunity by him in order to speak about it, I love those novels even more. And the growing passion I still feel for those books is the explanation for the title of this post -- when I was making my presentation, I felt powerful and on top of the world. Now, I feel completely drained. I feel sucked. But still good. ^_^

#3 (aka: I miss my one-time angel)

I was just looking at some photos I took of a beautiful female friend. She'd say that I'm an aspiring amature photographer. But, really, the location we shot the pictures at and the poses she made for them were all her idea -- I just held the camera and grinned and blushed like a doofus whenever she merely smiled or laughed. Her laugh is so lovely... it's soft, but loud enough to clearly hear. And whenever I hear it (particularly after I say something to flatter her), my stomach flips and my heart skips a beat. Whenever I'm around her, she is my whole world.

But lately, I haven't been around her, and, sadly, I don't really want to be. Because now, whenever I talk with her, she criticizes any issue that I bring to her. I guess she's always done that, but up until recently, I've taken her harsher words with a pinch of salt and called it "tough love" -- I thought, "She's just looking out for me. She's just trying to help me think things through better". But now her words slice deep into my heart, and they burn, and they're leaving scars.

I used to believe that I could be happy with whatever the future brought to our relationship. I thought I would be able to bear any wound or obstacle that we had to endure and overcome for the sake of our friendship. But I'm becoming weak -- I'm fraying at my seams, and I'm ripping toward my heart, and I can't find any way to make it stop.

I know I've been going on and on about how much she's hurting me, so you might wonder why I still call her my friend and why I don't just drop her to the wayside and move on. Sometimes I wonder that myself, but I continue to arrive at the same conclusion: Even though she stuns me terribly with her hard words much of the time, we have had hours upon hours of conversations, and there have been days when we were physically together, when I have felt more respect and adoration for her than I could ever describe. I love her very, very much, and I know that some of her toughness with me comes from her difficult past and uncertain present. As a friend, and as someone who is and has been enamored and enchanted by her, I just can't let her go.

#2 (aka: A little help from my friends)

It's been my experience that, sometimes, a good way to understand or get to know someone is by seeing who their friends are. It doesn't always work that way, of course, but sometimes it does. For me, to know about my best friends is to know me pretty well. So, here is the list of the most coveted members of my Chosen Family. They know me best -- they "get" me. Through them, you should know me better, too.

My Transbrothers


Davey: a spirited community worker; a powerful activist; a strong, proud Transguy

Alex P.: a Queer youth worker/advocate; an activist; a devoted partner; a strong, proud Transguy

Blaze: a drag king; an up-and-coming author; a proud, strong Transguy

Nick: a drag king; a faithful boyfriend; a strong, proud Transguy

Alex R.: a good father; a talented blogger; a strong, proud Transguy

Bear: an awesome writer; a performance artist; an activist; a strong, proud Butch/Transguy

My Transsisters

Kate: a thought-provoking writer; a performance artist; an activist; a sweetheart; a beautiful, powerful Transwoman

Jesse: a great artist; a darling; a beautiful, powerful Transwoman

Everybody else

Peterson: a strong activist; an "ex-Gay" movement survivor; a moving speaker

Ami: a powerhouse of knowledge with influential ideas about the world and how screwed up it seems to be for anyone who isn't a straight-laced Republican

Dane: a spectacular poet; a strong, independent woman

Chris: a sensitive, warm-hearted, open-minded, accepting man

*I also believe it goes without saying that all these people are the most wonderful friends anybody could ever hope to have*

Now you know me.

#1 (aka: "Howdy-ho")

For a few months, I have religiously posted on my first blog, Little Bits. But lately it has struck me that Little Bits has become more about my daily struggles as a teenage Transguy, and less about analyzing the news and such, which is really why I began writing it in the first place.

To the faithful (though few) readers/commenters of Little Bits, I thank you for over two months of luxurious, at times hilarious (and constantly cleansing and eye-opening), blogging experience. I hope you continue to enjoy all that it has to offer. I also urge you to hop on over here to check out my new blog, Boi, to see what your very own Elliot is up to.

Lastly, to any and all new readers, welcome aboard the S.S. T-Man! It will be a wild trip!

Anchors away!