#9 (aka: I am SO Queer)

I am Queer. Take a look at me, and what I stand for and what music I listen to and what I read and write about, and you can see that fact as clear as day. But, aside from all that, there really is something about me that (up until recently) I thought was really strange, even by my standards, which are pretty liberal, thank you very much.

When I first came out as Transgender, I thought that all Transguys had to date Femmes and that all Transwomen had to date Butches (Femmes didn’t have to be biological women, and Butches didn’t have to be biological men, but that was still how it had to be, all the same). Those were the rules (at least the ones that I was taught) of the Transgender Dating Game. But what I didn’t think about was that, as Transpeople, we were already breaking many traditional “rules” set by the rest of society anyway, so why couldn’t we just continue with that? I mean, slaying all of the other expectations that the general society had placed on us since we were born just because of the sex our doctors proclaimed us to have was working out okay, so why not just take it one step further, yeah? Yeah. Exactly.

Well, I’m living proof of the fluidity of sexuality and the shape-shifting of gender that can happen when people stop giving half a fuck about what anyone else thinks and just give themselves that kind of power, so I was only a little surprised when, after years of being only attracted to women, I became attracted to men, as well. But I’ve also gotten a girlfriend recently, and we’ve been discussing the possibility of getting “intimate” and after looking at a book yesterday of exquisite drawings of gorgeous men having, shall we say, a very good time together, it’s come to my attention that I really want a boyfriend. Or, something along those lines.

Even to make sure that I wanted a man and that the excitement I felt in that bookstore wasn’t just a fluke, random… thing, I read some lesbian erotica, and you know what I felt? DAMN NEAR NOTHING. And I quickly realized that all that I was feeling while reading the lesbian erotica was mostly just the aftershock of the arousal I had after looking at those freakin’ beautiful men.

After thinking about it further, though, I’ve realized that maybe I’m just not as attracted to my girlfriend as I thought I was. I mean, for one thing, she really isn’t my type at all (for the record, I usually am attracted to the more goth/punk/cabaret/S&M-looking kind of ladies, and my girlfriend... well, let's just say she isn't that kind of girl). Men are (certainly and definitely) not out of the question entirely, either, but I’d say that it’s about time that I find what I’m looking for and try to form a relationship with someone that might have a chance of lasting.