Oooh, big shocker! Yeah, definitely not. That was sarcastic, way beyond the level that I usually attempt at the beginning of an entry but whatever. This has been a long time coming, I guess. I still haven't totally come to the final conclusion that I only want to date more masculine people, but that is definitely a possibility. Being in the mindset that I have been lately, since I've been working on figuring all this stuff out anyway, it isn't really that big of a deal to me. But I can think of a few people that this might be hard for (like my girlfriend, for instance). Yesterday I told Bear (we're okay again, by the way) about how I felt about my sexual orientation, knowing full well that it would not be weird to him at all, and he decided to be a jokester and exclaim "Oh, Elliot, that's terrible! I just cannot be your friend anymore! That's it! I'm sorry, but, no!" He was being a wiseass/a supportive buddy, but when I tell some people, I'm sure that they'll have the same reaction (only, without the sprinkling of humor). Lots of people around me just don't "get" the fluidity of sexuality, and how it can change over a lifetime. But I "get" it, because I'm living it!
On a more serious note concerning this, I've been thinking for a while (well, two or three weeks, since my girlfriend and I started together) that my situation with her is not so unlike the situation that Peterson had with his wife when he was married to her. In "Fish Can't Fly", I believe it was you, Peterson, who said that you felt that you were being unfaithful to her because whenever you were... intimate..., it was not usually her that you were thinking about -- it was men. By the way, you can give me a good knock up'side the head when we see one another again if it was another person who said this, but I think it was you. And whenever I kiss my girlfriend (I've got a cold, though, so I haven't in a few days), I don't think about kissing her -- I think about kissing someone... else. Usually, a Transman I imagine up. I feel bad, but I can't help it. Any thoughts on all of this?
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6 comments:
I struggle with sort of the same thing. It is not as easy as it sounds to figure out ones sexuality.
You are not alone in this complicated boat :)
It's nice to be reminded sometimes that I'm not the only one.
Thanks, buddy. :)
elliot, yes, I did say something in a blog entry once about this struggle with attraction when I was married to my wife and I may have said it at TC when I showed part of Fish Can't Fly. In order to proceed, I had to flood my mind with images of men, which then caused me to feel horribly guilty for being "unfaithful" in my mind to my wife.
Once I "came out" or as I prefer to say these day, "embraced myself as a queer man" (I like the multiple meanings that it has), I assumed I was only attracted to bio men.(I had yet to meet a trans guy at that point and realize their incredible powers of sexiness)
But as I grew to know myself more, I grew to understand that I am attractive to the masculine, including the masculine in some lesbians (who may not be interested in having me as a potential partner at all) and the masculine in men who are trans men.
In those cases I don't see that my sexuality changed or became fluid, but my understanding and openness to it has. In the gay male world they erect clear boundaries about who you can and cannot find attractive.
And I remember when for a few months I began to date a trans guy how some of my gay bio male friends got all nutty on me and accused me of turning my back on them.
I love how True Colors works hard to include the category of "Questioning" in their LGBTIMDLSAXYZ queer alphabet soup. We can be gay or trans or lesbian or whaterever and still be questioning. If not, then we are fundamentalist in our approach to our own sexuality. And who needs that?
elliot, no doubt you will continue your journey of self-discovery and will unearth more more surprises to who you are. Remain authentic to yourself knowing that there will always be people who don't understand it and will even feel threatened by it. That is what happens when we shed our skins and become more ourselves.
(and Peterson yet again writes an entire blog entry in response to elliots. and here I am always saying that older people need to shut up and listen to younger people. but I know you are gracious towards me, elliot)
Peterson, as if I haven't made it clear enough to you: I LOVE YOU. (((hugs)))
Congrats on acknowledging what's going on in your brain... Now keep in mind that things tend to be fluid and (oh, here comes my favorite thng to say!):
You don't have to pick another box now that you've climbed out of one!
Wherever you end up identifying on the crazy spectrum that is orientation (and that could fluctuate from day to day), you have friends who accept and respect you.
And don't you forget it!
I loves you bunches, my Alexei brother-buddy-person!
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