#11 (aka: I think I'm Gay)

Oooh, big shocker! Yeah, definitely not. That was sarcastic, way beyond the level that I usually attempt at the beginning of an entry but whatever. This has been a long time coming, I guess. I still haven't totally come to the final conclusion that I only want to date more masculine people, but that is definitely a possibility. Being in the mindset that I have been lately, since I've been working on figuring all this stuff out anyway, it isn't really that big of a deal to me. But I can think of a few people that this might be hard for (like my girlfriend, for instance). Yesterday I told Bear (we're okay again, by the way) about how I felt about my sexual orientation, knowing full well that it would not be weird to him at all, and he decided to be a jokester and exclaim "Oh, Elliot, that's terrible! I just cannot be your friend anymore! That's it! I'm sorry, but, no!" He was being a wiseass/a supportive buddy, but when I tell some people, I'm sure that they'll have the same reaction (only, without the sprinkling of humor). Lots of people around me just don't "get" the fluidity of sexuality, and how it can change over a lifetime. But I "get" it, because I'm living it!

On a more serious note concerning this, I've been thinking for a while (well, two or three weeks, since my girlfriend and I started together) that my situation with her is not so unlike the situation that Peterson had with his wife when he was married to her. In "Fish Can't Fly", I believe it was you, Peterson, who said that you felt that you were being unfaithful to her because whenever you were... intimate..., it was not usually her that you were thinking about -- it was men. By the way, you can give me a good knock up'side the head when we see one another again if it was another person who said this, but I think it was you. And whenever I kiss my girlfriend (I've got a cold, though, so I haven't in a few days), I don't think about kissing her -- I think about kissing someone... else. Usually, a Transman I imagine up. I feel bad, but I can't help it. Any thoughts on all of this?